Next week I go back to work. I've agonized over this day and it continues to barrel at me faster than I can handle. I do feel fortunate for a variety of reasons, including that I really enjoy my job and the people I work with, I'm lucky enough to be able to ease back into work, and Carter will be in the very loving hands of his grandmother, to name a few. But none of that really makes me feel any better about leaving my baby. I do tend be a (huge) stress ball about things like this, so I'm sure the reality will not be as bad as the anticipation of it but I'm still a bit fired up about this.
I was reading a checklist in What to Expect the First Year about going back to work vs. staying home. They really just should have said that all moms should stay home because the list was really biased and guilt-inducing. For example, one point asked how you would feel as a mother to not be there for your child's major milestones. How are you going to feel when your child says his first words without you there? Takes his first steps into someone else's arms? I'm pretty sure that no mother is going to think that sounds like the best idea ever and run right out for a job application.
I have always been very sensitive to the argument of working mothers versus stay at home moms, probably the sociologist in me, but I'm more passionate about it now than ever. I'm not going back to work because I don't like being home with my child. In fact, to the surprise of everyone in my life who knows me and knows that I don't sit still very well, I am content to play on the floor and I'm not crawling the walls at all. I'm not going back to work because I feel like I'm an educated woman who needs to use my skills, feels like I need to earn some control over my destiny, need the interaction, etc. There is one reason I'm going back to work: the dolla dolla bill y'all.
In our family, both parents need to work and I wish so-called modern society was a bit more sensitive to this plight. The whole argument of your wages from working outside the home are basically a wash when you consider the cost of day-care, work clothes, commuting etc. doesn't really work for most people. Yes, we will need to spend some money for me to make money, but there's no amount of corner-cutting and belt-tightening that eliminates the need for me to work. Unless we cut out those frivolous expenses like food, electricity, water, and shelter. If this wasn't the case, I don't know what I would do. I'd probably stay home, but truthfully I don't really let myself think too far down that path. All of those checklists of how to evaluate if you want to go back to work or not really should be more like a choose-your-own-adventure book. The question "do you need two incomes?" is not one box on a huge list of pros and cons. If you don't, proceed to page 72 and think about it some more. If you do need your income, that's the end of the list. Maybe instead we can use the remaining space and energy to support families who need to make it work. Seth and I have a pretty successful partnership and since we both work outside of the home, we both work in the home. That's a huge key to me keeping it together. Also, that battle of working moms and stay at home moms has got to stop. I would love to see women (and men) just get along and be sensitive to the challenges of everyone's very different lives, whether your reality is to stay home with your kids, work, not have kids, or whatever your path may be.
And, let's just go ahead and skip the part about your baby taking his first steps into someone else's arms. It's an unfortunate possibility, but I've already talked to Carter and he's agreed to be very boring with everyone but me. So at least there's that.
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