what a difference a year makes

One year ago today I took a test (some would say the most advanced piece of technology I'll ever pee on) and the NOT never appears alongside the PREGNANT. I hated that NOT and I had more than my fair share of angry/bitter/irrationally upset moments resulting from negative pregnancy tests, and I know how blessed we are that we could have a child. For some reason, I didn’t think that was our month on that fateful October morning. I’d had previous months when I was absolutely convinced I was pregnant only to be devastated again. All those previous months I had these huge imaginative plans for the creative and special ways I would tell Seth and the magical moment it would be. That morning I just thought, eh, what the heck, might as well take the test. It was really too early to test anyway and I knew I probably wouldn’t get an accurate result even if I was pregnant, which I was certain I wasn’t.

Sure enough, I was.

And that’s where all my imaginative planning met its demise. As soon as the result showed up I did a true double take and almost died of shock. Instead of concocting some special moment, I went and woke up Seth immediately, despite the fact that it was 6am on a Saturday. Then I kept looking at the test, approximately 5,000 times before I really believed it. And right away I knew it was a boy.

36 weeks later, Carter James Jobin entered the world. People say pregnancy goes fast. For me, not so much. Not at all, actually. When I found out I was pregnant, I was only 3½ weeks along, leaving a heck of a lot of weeks to wonder and worry and be sick. Really, really sick. I wore sea bands for months. They didn’t really help me feel better, but when I didn’t wear them it was even worse. Some days I had to close my door and lay on my floor at work. I quickly learned the less populated bathrooms.

I don’t think I ever wanted something as much as I wanted a baby. God created me to be a mother. I remember being a very young child thinking about what I wanted to be when I grew up and I always knew my answer: I wanted to be a mom. The reality of my life now looks different than I imagined, but that doesn’t diminish the love I have for Carter or the fullness of my heart. There are things I’m good at, but this is most definitely my purpose. This is what I was created to do. I am so very thankful for all of the blessing the Lord has given us. Thankful for His strength pushing us on through many sleepless nights. Thankful for His guidance in our imperfect lives, walking us down the path of parenting. Thankful that He entrusted us to take care of Carter while he’s here on Earth.

I can’t imagine life any other way and I couldn’t love my little boy more.

But next time I’m pregnant, I’m telling Seth via fireworks and/or skywriting.